Renewal Sixty-Three : The Paradox Is Complete, Creation Continues

I’ve spent much of today feeling very precarious about the necrotic energy spots on the human energy field, not to mention the earth’s energy field. This has really manifested itself in my re-examination of relationships (work, family, personal). Did I do the best I could? Am I doing the best I can?

Certainly I’ve been associated with less than stellar interactions, for which I have to assume responsibility. This has left me feeling a bit like an idiot, no offense to idiots. I had to be really scared that I wouldn’t get my desires to have allowed what I did into my experience. This is not to belittle anyone else. As I’ve said more than once before, others are entitled to be who they want to be. It is about the process of realization and recapitulation to untangle those misaligned areas on my energy field so that my particular energy signature will not attract anymore of this.

Once, during my landscaping days when I was doing some landscape maintenance with a gas-powered hedger, I became very aware that I was like some giant to the micro-ecology of the hedge I was cutting, and from that place it was very destructive. The sensation was overwhelming to the point that I had to stop. Hand trimming is also destructive, but not as much as this motorized bit, but one cannot make a living in commercial landscaping with only hand tools. This was not easily resolved, if it was resolved at all. What seemed to help was that I was aware of what I was doing. This changed the nature of my approach from an intent to trim the hedge to an intent to be careful about the microcosm I was changing.

This same concept came up when I developed the land I now live on. It was bare land except for native bushes and weeds. I had holes drilled hundreds of feet into the earth for water, I had tons of dirt carved out and moved to another area for a pad, I strung fence, I cut a place for the house to sit, I dug a couple thousand feet of trench (at least), etc.

Though I had a picture of where it was all going, I seemed to feel that the land was not happy about this motorized scarring and rearranging. I actually apologized. And even though I planted hundreds of trees and bushes and set up a mini-oasis, it was literally years before I felt the earth accepted my presence, my stewardship.

And this is just the story of land and landscaping, what of the responsibility of raising children? The potential to scar our earth-home, ourselves, and others is enormous, especially with the human propensity for such a diffuse and distorted focus. The potential to enhance those beings, including ourselves, requires a very specific focus and a very specific intent, one that must be constantly reviewed and assessed. We are often so clumsy and dense at this energy business, our intent is often so distorted by the belief in the need for control, that we have left a lot of massive scarring wherever we seem to go.

Oh, tis true we are not without merit. I think we need to forgive ourselves and remember what we have learned and how we have helped. Despite this weird need for control and this bizarre feeling of loss and separation, we have created some beautiful music, we have helped others, we have embraced and apprehended beauty, we have spawned some important symbols to reference our universe and enhance our understanding, and we have persisted, however clumsily, in attempting to embrace freedom and understand the scope and influence of awareness and consciousness. We have done all of this, however ungracefully at times.

It is time, it is the right space, to improve our grace. Wherever it “starts,” at home, in ourselves, with the earth, with the collective, one begets the other in a reciprocal dance.

The loss of grace is in the tiniest of things: road rage (all right, I’m guilty), belittling others (guilty), contempt (guilty), egotistically assuming we can and should control our surroundings–from our stuff to our relationships (guilty), and so on (guilty).

How and why do others die of hunger, why do we assume that our actions have limited ramifications (toss out that cigarette butt or that can or that oil–it’s only a little thing), why do we put profit before prudence, why do we beat play out of ourselves and our children and substitute substances and stuff, and so on?

Though I have counted myself among the aware, the astute, the ones that embrace a healthy energy, it is hard for me to realize that I’ve raged when I did not get what I wanted and I’ve blamed others for being deceitful simply because they were, in my eyes, more deceitful than I was. But I set it up that way, I set it up so that I would come off as better. How deceitful is that? Under the pretense of aligning energy, of intentionally acting, I did exactly what I was against.

Okay, I need to forgive myself. It was not a pretense in the sense of being deliberately phony, it was a pretense simply because I was not what I wanted. How could I blame others for hurting me, even if they did. It was the same for them, they did not set out to foul up their energy field. And discovering this, how did I help–by self-righteously pointing it out?

All right, we’ve got all of this established. Those that we can safely be around, those that can help us and those we can help to enhance energy are limited. In fact I suspect that we bring them into being when we step onto a different creative plane, much as they bring us into being when they do the same.

Let’s do it. It’s more fun together. The realization of “I am” changed everything. So can the realization of “we are.” The “I” will not be subsumed, it will be enhanced when the “we” is realized and manifested, if it is remembered and polished and maintained.

Energy and movement, emanating and attracting–the immutable mutables. The paradox is complete, creation continues; how shall we configure our energy signature?

I know I could use some help. Realization is one thing, the very beginnings of mattering. But the work, oh the work, to stay on track, to create and evaluate and create again, to have a template-less template, to actually forego winning or being right to enhance the energy of all. That requires a giant.

Where is the dying when we leave our body before it painfully pushes us out? Where is that woman, where are those people, that career, that home? Where am I?

I guess I’ll have a lot to remember when I’m next dealing with doctors, or intimate relationships, or life on the road, or in a grocery line, or listening to the politics or religion of being special.

I could also remember that I don’t always have to remember. Sometimes, when humans have the proper perspective, the earth and life itself, remembers for us.