eThoughts : Learning to Listen: The End of Relationship Chaos

When we only hear the pain or embrace in ourselves, we have effectively blocked out a major part of the world around us. Those screams we hear that announce we haven’t received what we want can be siren songs calling us to crash on the cliffs of our fear. And that satisfaction in getting what we wanted from another can be blinders to another’s world.

Yes, we have pain and lots of it. But so do others. And this is not to say that we should get lost in the pain of others and ignore ours, that to is not listening. But the near constant assessment about what we’re getting or not is like piling weights on one end of the teeter-totter—which is not conducive to the art of teeter-tottering. It seems to me that there is a back and forth to intimate relationships—and I don’t mean trolling and lures and hooks to see what one can catch. And besides the back and forth, there is also a balance point, not that things always have to be balanced, that to is not all there is to teeter-tottering.

Okay, enough with this teeter-tottering metaphor. The point is that chaos rules when there is either no arrow of direction or a one-way arrow, rather than a reciprocal one. And the best way to take the chaos out of intimate relationships is to emphasize a reciprocal arrow of direction and that is accomplished first by listening and second by acting upon what the emptiness—meaning the lack of our machinations—feeds back to us. We may be in charge of some things, but we’re not in charge of everything. And we could sure use the help of some input other than our own or others.

Maybe one of the issues involved in not getting what we want, is to reassess what we want. Maybe one of the issues involves what we’re doing or not to get what we want. In any case, we can be sure that spinning our wheels moves the wheels, but not necessarily the vehicle.

Running scared is a tough way to pay attention. And looking forever outward or forever inward for our direction is pretty much a one-trick pony. Perhaps the next time we find ourselves not getting what we want in a relationship, we could pay a little more attention to something other than who didn’t give us something. In that way we might actually learn that having a sledge hammer for everything might be a good way to smash things, but a tough way to nurture those things.

In the meantime, while we’re learning, let’s practice some consideration—in realizing that there are others who also might not be getting what they want. And maybe, just maybe, shifting our focus from what we didn’t get, to what we did—even if it was a no. After all, no doesn’t have to mean rejection, it may simply mean to keep looking. At least that keeps the informational field open, instead closing it down in favor of snapping back at others, giving them back what we think they gave us—and with interest. Besides history teaching us that we can kill anybody (from the movie The Godfather), history has also taught us that upping the ante that marks our territory may make us King of the Hill for a time, but it is not going to make us less anxious or more in tune.

So, what is it that we’re really doing today to bring peace to our realm? Or is today simply another in the relationship hunting and gathering—or if you like, the planting and harvesting—cycle? Are those depressed feelings because of loss? Are those good feelings because of winning? Is the won-lost hamster wheel really a quantum leap from the world of our ancestors, or are we simply practicing creating the same reality, but with different technology?