Renewal Sixty-Five : Allowing Love Instead Of Hurt
Not only do we not know how to create critical periods intentionally, we also don’t seem to know how to do them without pain. I previously mentioned that critical periods could arise through such things as the death of one close to us, the death of a relationship, psychotropic drugs, disease, etc. These are not things that we create intentionally, though we may create them by default (not paying attention to what we are intending). We could create them intentionally, but that might seem rather twisted.
Going back to what was said in the previous chapter, what if we could create critical periods intentionally without all the drama. We could simply heighten our awareness to the point where habits break. In other words, we could invoke wonder and we could question things as well as feelings and thoughts and their processes, or we could mediate–quiet and/or direct our feelings and thoughts to something like healing, empathy, or compassion. This is what psychotropic drugs can do, alter awareness of everyday events. We could do it without psychotropic drugs, though it would not be so fast, but it would also not be so dangerous.
In any case, we would need to familiarize ourselves with the territory, and society would need to understand and provide the space to alter and question and wonder. Now we only do it for children, and not so long at that.
Dealing with all of these feelings by myself is really assaulting me. At least my walk yesterday was great, the earth, though it can kill me in a nanosecond, is a place of peace and an ally for me. I seem to be clearer when I’m out, away from people and things, free to go where my thoughts and feelings take me, safe that the earth will be patient and nurturing. I could again feel the woman for me out there somewhere and the death without drama. I seemed to feel the earth telling me it was all right, though I am again feeling devastated by my recent breakup. But I could feel her as very far away, in another reality from mine, walled off, avoiding intimacy in favor of survival, yet still being her dynamic and beautiful self.
She was the first woman who really knew something about me–she is good at reading people, but without knowing herself, she cannot weave together her deepest intentions. I know that she will do well one day, I hope that for her, I want that for her–actually as I do for all three of the women in my life. But, for me, that lady was something very special. That we could not find our way truly bothers me. Yet, again, I know it to be true that it is not in my control–not her, not my feelings, not her future. Letting her go has been the hardest breakup yet, and we were not together as long as the others.
I also know, that I have intended, in some unseen way, to be in relationships that would not likely work. While the women and I undoubtedly had this in common (as do many on this planet), I have to assume responsibility simply because I became involved. I may have set up the path of unrequited love in tandem with those three, but I also know that it is not a desire for unrequited love that drives my feelings. Nonetheless, it will require a major shift to stop intending unfulfilled love–how we must deeply love our agony, how we must think the scars of it announce our maturity and our worthiness–and to shift the 180 degrees to allow a love that can both enhance my life as well as the woman in my life.
This is a task beyond anything I’ve yet accomplished in my life–to allow love instead of hurt.