eThoughts : Vulnerability, Part II

Vulnerability is an interesting polarizing force. And no matter how hard we try, we can mitigate the circumstances sometimes, but we cannot become invulnerable. However, that doesn’t stop us from trying. And in the name of preventing or protecting vulnerability, we have created a lot of human woes. One of the worst woes is the lack of recognizing the harm we do by using our own and others’ vulnerability to make ourselves invulnerable—in fact, I see such activities as largely the ways we molest each other. No super cape here, bat mask, giant misshapen form to morph into, or shapely wonder garment (oh, Wonder Woman), just the zeroing in on our own and each other’s soft underbelly. Just how human are we when sheer survival is the compass heading, instead of the quality of our own and others’ survival?

It seems to me the vulnerability dance is largely about who is in the position of abandoner or abandonee. The one that can abandon is in a power position—or at least it can look that way. The one that can be abandoned is in a weak position—or at least it can look that way. Of course some have power by not having power, so the “poor me” scenario is a way to be vulnerable, but to use that against those who have power as not having lived up to their position—and violá, the abandoner and abandonee positions have switched. Nice move.

There are many examples of vulnerability maneuvering in human interaction of course. Besides the ones mentioned in Part I, there are a boatload of issues with parents and children, police and citizenry, pet owners and pets, etc. Have you ever had a child fall asleep in your arms? Have you ever seen an obviously helpless animal, young, wounded, or old, who clearly cannot fight for positioning? Have you ever helped another because you can see that they need it and that helping will not cost, but will benefit? I wonder what is more precious than helping? We spend so much time building moats around ourselves, and for good reason—human interaction is really very primitive. Maybe the best economy is based on helping rather than getting. In the former, we also get, in the latter, we only get (well, maybe).

We’ve all been there—in the helping mode—even if there are some, so angry at their own existence and/or their own “molestations” who will criminally betray such vulnerability. But there are some things not criminally defined that still constitute working against environments designed to allow thriving for all. And using one’s own and/or another’s vulnerability for the sole purpose of personal gain, even if disguised as societal gain, may be the most frequent way we molest each other.

So can one learn to be vulnerable yet not lose position or dignity? Learning to laugh at one’s foibles can help, but if the world is still full of well-meaning people whose primary compass heading is self-protection without the consideration of others, vulnerability is a dangerous position to be in, even though we’re all there to one degree or the other. It seems to me some attention is in order. The world continues to be fraught with dangers, most of it from each other despite the enormous power of earthly forces. Let’s learn to treat vulnerability as a sacred issue, one that we cannot let be violated. Just because adults are not babies and can fight back, doesn’t mean we have to make sure everyone knows we are ready and able to pounce. After all, what kind of advertising is that?

Do we need to gather power rather than eschew it? Yes of course. This sacred charge of protecting vulnerability is not about giving up power, it is about gathering it and using it wisely. When the child falls safely and soundly asleep in adult arms, it is mostly because the adult has complete power from the child’s perspective, yet does not hold that power over the child’s head, using it instead like a warm blanket on a cold night. That kind of contrast—great power and clear safety—is one healthy and nurturing way to honor rather than to ding each other. If we practice polishing the gain and use of power and safety, we create a society that can learn through play rather than huddle in fear or stand in victory over each other. It is not our losses or our victories that mark our humanity, but how much we have learned to play well with each other, how much we can both sleep deeply and safely on one hand, and stand attentive and protecting on the other.

So let the new mechanism of evolution begin, not only should the weak survive—we all have weak—they, and us, should be encouraged to thrive. When someone gives us their vulnerability, they are saying they trust us or that they hope they can. Do not misunderstand me, we do not have to be shackled to others because they offer vulnerable—no hooks are allowed by anyone on either side of the power/safety issue—we should be freed to enjoy. That’s our litmus test of our true humanity, the joy we allow and encourage in each other. And the sooner we get on it, the less likely it will be that one’s joy is born at the expense of another’s. That’s what we have to leave behind.