eThoughts : Patterns II (June, 2004)

I recently visited a couple I have not seen for over 5 years and we talked, among other things, about past relationships, love, loss, recapitulation, and renewal.

As I heard it from them, my problem with thoughts like those in Renewal, is that I’m blocking the possibility of having a new intimate relationship because I’m stuck in the past. And I realize that it looks like it on the surface, and that’s why I’ve wondered about the nature of renewing, love, loss, and our organization and use of the time-tool.

As I see it, the trouble as well as the beauty and wonder of falling in love is that it gets into one’s very essence. And I think it has a half-life, it takes some time for the cells to become re-oriented from what might have been to what is and what can be. Having some experience in the matter, for me it seems to be about cycles (duh), some shorter ones (like the daily circadian rhythms), some longer ones (like weeks, months, years).

As for the promise as opposed to the reality of being involved with my former loves, it is my judgment, which still stands, that the promise really existed. In each case, we really had an opportunity to develop into an enlightened we, it was not just the product or process of a delusion or an illusion. That it didn’t work out that way does not negate the possibility or probability of such a development. However, like a plane taking off, there is a point of no return–and it had better fly once it gets past the point of being able to stop. In each case, when the relationship got to the edge of shifting from the reality of the promise to the reality of the being, it just didn’t happen–and that’s what I saw and that’s why I couldn’t stay. And I knew that meant a period of mourning, of realignment.

It is not a wonderment to me that I’m out of the attraction loop during the re-orientation time, it’s interesting to me that the same pattern has emerged times 3. And that was, in part, what spawned Renewal and the realization that women had at least as much trouble with intimacy as do men.

As a new, longer-based cycle approaches, I wonder what will happen–and, of course, something will happen. The problem is not the seeing, or that I was delusional, but the temporal facet in which I keep thinking things are moving faster than they are (or I’m moving slower than I think–okay, it’s me being slow).

Amazing stuff. Heck, I still find myself being pissed off about stupid drivers, stupid neighbors, and egotistical administrators and politicians when I’m old enough to know that the exceptions are smart drivers, smart neighbors, and humble administrators and politicians.

I guess that brings me back to being slow, which apparently is the rule and not the exception.

Which makes me glad the universe is so patient.

So, I’m slow, but I’m glad it’s all right. That’s safe and nurturing enough, as long as the ego-based people don’t try and misuse my condition. And since those people are the rule, I tend to be kind of watchful. That watchfulness is not in the way, that’s one thing that will help along the way as I re-orient my being towards a new receptivity level for passion, intimacy, and commitment.

Let the relationship lightening strike again. And this time, if it’s the woman who will go beyond the edge, boy will I have to step up or shut up. That’s truth and dare all rolled into one.

Tell me again how it’s possible to get bored?