eThoughts : Ordinary and Non-Ordinary: The Pursuit of Specialness

Written just after the start of the New Year, 2004.

More than thirty years ago I read a book entitled Two Leggings: The Making of a Crow Warrior, by Peter Nabokov (original copyright in 1967; Apollo Edition, 1970). As I recall, it was a story about being more or less ordinary. Two Leggings never quite made it to the pantheon of chief or shaman, though he did make warrior status. The problem was that he just couldn’t achieve a powerful vision that seemed to distinguish the chiefs and/or shamans from other warriors or tribal members. In the end, the young bucks had little respect for the aged Two Leggings, calling him something like Eyes That Are Dreamy. To me, then, the story was about an unfulfilled life–a life born of promise and hope, yet squashed by the relentless and daily exercise of being a spirit in a physical body.

However, I have reconsidered that position. It seems to me that non-ordinary and ordinary reside in the same being. This “condition” is a tough go for an individual steeped in a culture of acquiring status–which all of us are. We want to be special, we want to have achieved, we abhor vacuum, we abhor going backwards, and we certainly abhor the life that just seems to continue being ordinary.

Human beings love those special moments of change, whether it is a new love, a new learning, a new car, a new home–heck, just new duds or a hairdo will often suffice. Certainly I suspect that the massive credit card debt reportedly incurred by American citizens can be attributed in part to the psychological need for infusing newness into our lives. This newness wards off what we might perceive as stagnation. American businesses don’t have to manufacture “planned obsolescence,” humans will do that themselves. And don’t give me that old car that gramps has had forever or that house that generations of the same family have lived in–you know those things have undergone many restorations.

All right, the point is, we are beginning a New Year and a new opportunity. We like it, even if it is nothing more than celebratory in nature (how many New Years’ resolutions go unmanifested?). However, have we missed the opportunity to celebrate the ordinary? For sure, there have been writers and speakers and songs that have attempted to focus attention on those that are the “salt of the earth” or are part of “the silent majority” (whatever that is). The ordinary has not gone unnoticed. But, like needed restorations or renewals, there are times to review and re-celebrate the specialness of the non-special.

So, I point to what seems to me our undying adulation of being special and suggest that it is often little more than the ego attempting to ignore an important part of our living legacy–the mundane. We are not doomed to be nothing special, we are blessed to be nothing special. This incredibly overlooked gift is special. Perhaps even more special than we know. Let’s face it, living an ordinary life in a non-ordinary manner is a rare commodity.

What does this paradox mean?

In the midst of celebrating our new starts, let’s remember to see the magic and wonder in all the things we not only take for granted, but that we tend to eschew as nothing special. Ordinary is amazing information.

How does this ordinary/non-ordinary concept work in intimate relationships? The divorce rate in the United States is presently about 65%, and this doesn’t take into account those couples who are not divorced, but are not happy with each other either. What’s wrong? Is something wrong?

How does this ordinary/non-ordinary concept work in a society focused on youth, especially when the biggest percentage of Americans are, or are going to be, classified as older adults (the so-called graying of America)?

Well, this is my podium so I’ll have a go at it.

I suspect that we are not taught how to live with ordinariness. Ordinary ways and ordinary days do not announce anything worth paying attention to, so it seems. After all, what potential lies in ordinary ways and ordinary days? Potential is the brass ring–lives without aspirations are about as doomed as a life without respiration.

The same old spouse–yuck. The same old job–yuck. The same way of making love–double yuck. Sure, there is some comfort in the familiar, sometimes lots of comfort. But there is little comfort for long in comfort itself–the human mind is organized and even addicted to new attentions.

This may be why we seem to be horrified at growing old, growing old is the loss of potential–a potential that is not recoverable. In fact, with spouses and jobs and making love, the loss of the potential for change is likely to doom those spouses and jobs and making love. And if we cannot change or dump the landscape and interactions of our lives, we can certainly stir things up by undermining them. That’ll teach all of them, something, maybe.

In any case, I wonder if our fixation on potential is undermining our ability to live in the present? So, let’s shine a new attention on the usual, ordinary stuff. Maybe living in the present, warts and all, is a huge part of our potential. This is not to say we should not have goals or that we should not strive to better ourselves, it is only to say that something appears to be amiss in our usual striving.

After all, what is the potential for growing old? Is our perceived loss of potential based on life in a body? What is the potential for a couple? Who decides that and is that potential fixed? If we are so interested in change after we grow tired of the ordinary, why don’t we change our minds?

Maybe we are simply impatient and do not believe in the self-renewing qualities of existence. I do know that pervasive feelings of the mundane can afflict the psyche and the spirit with a foreboding sense of depression. And clinging to some dogmatic belief is of little help in the long run. And so is constantly running to the store to buy something new, whether it is clothes, cars, or people–as in lovers. I suspect this practice just creates the illusion of potential.

Perhaps we might use what we have. Feeling stuck in the ordinary? Use the gift, use the being inside all of us that is uninterested in the ego or acquisitions or kudos or hierarchies, or whether our lives are ordinary or non-ordinary. That being is only interested. The rest is merely the landscape of our lives that serves that interest, and ultimately ourselves.

If we’re addicted to the non-ordinary as means to be happy, then let’s approach the ordinary in non-ordinary ways. This might take the realization that there is nothing that is without grace.

Not a bad resolution. Maybe we can live it for a change.