eThoughts : Communion and Crucifixion

When my mother passed away in February of 2002 and my third love and I went our separate ways, I wrote Renewal as a way to heal. Renewal, however, was a hard time coming, so I took up writing some more—now listed as eThoughts on my website (travisgibbs.com for those of you that may not know how or where you arrived). I intended to capture my thoughts as I transitioned to what I hoped would be at least a new relationship beginning. Originally I thought that Transition would be the title of the second of three books. I’ve since changed that working title to what will be called Resolutions—a journey of “preparation” for finding and clarifying love and reality. I reasoned and planned that when that romance of romances happened, I would begin the third book, entitled Romance (yep, I’m stuck on “R’s” here), a journal about the journey of being married.

Sappy and nothing new for sure, except that it would be new for me. That’s the fun of existence at times—it may have all been done before, but that doesn’t take the slightest bit away from the experience. I mean, think watching children, or puppies, or kittens, etc., there can be much joy in watching new eyes see what is and has been.

But what a journey! It all seems so impossible to find a romance that is on a different level than what I’ve had or what I generally see around me. There is much in me that is an orientation—I don’t seem to have a choice. There is some in me that is a preference—I do have a choice. The same exists with others. Part of the trouble is knowing the difference between the two, especially when preference is masquerading as orientation or vice versa. It is very easy to get the two misfiled in the headlong rush to please others or to establish independence, both of which are needed in any intimate, passionate, and committed relationship.

I wonder how it is we cannot seem to recognize that both individuals in a coupling need to be taken care of—and I don’t just mean eating, cleaning up, and sex. Maybe it’s just me, though I doubt it, but why is it that there is mostly one who gets and the other who gives and that configuration just doesn’t change?

I’ve mostly been the one who is responsible and even charged with looking out for the other’s feelings and wellbeing. I can do it and I like it, but I’m sick of the lack of reciprocity. I need some looking after myself—always have, always will. And I’m speaking about emotional wellbeing. I have feelings that run deep and need to be held and considered—that I’m fairly strong and have some sense of clarity doesn’t mean I don’t have vulnerabilities.

I’ve had a couple of very interesting relationships since my breakup with my third love and both of those women will be forever in my heart and soul. But they were and are not in a position to help me, so true reciprocity was not much on the table. But for the first time in my life, they were women who did not blame me for their own positions. And that was a much needed inoculation from what had ailed me in the three previous relationships. It was a joy to be with someone who wasn’t a victim—an often easy thing for women who tend to see themselves as needing a boatload more attention from a man than the man needs from them—I mean toss in a little sex and really that’s all the guy is looking for, right?

Okay, let’s skip the jokes—sex is big, but true connection is what makes it go to another level. And I didn’t get divorced or leave any of my loves to just repeat the same reality.

So, I’ve been back on the dating circuit for a bit and it is a major annoyance. But one cannot just stay home and hope that love finds them. And I’m aware that the likelihood of finding another-level relationship is remote at best, so it is not surprising that dating is filled with no-goes. But this dating is tough. I’m not a new-relationship person, I want an established one and now I will only go for one that goes to the end of ifs—relationship options or opt-outs are not on the table. I think I know what to look for now, though one cannot see what they cannot see. But the two of us can take that up together—as I said, I count as well and I will not be the constant on-duty guardian.

Where are you out there? Are you out there? Do I have what you want and need and vice versa? And would we have the ability to go beyond those agendas yet keep the orientations—the non-negotiables—to meta-morph into the two new beings that are dying to break loose from relationships based solely on the duality of gender?

I hope so—personally I need to come in out of the cold. But I will only do so if the relationship home I speak of is the enlightened nurturing place for both of us—communion without crucifixion.