Renewal Twenty-Nine : Dancing With Prediction And Control

Some days it is mostly about survival, pure and simple. With only about two hours of sleep last night, I’m working strictly on reserves. And at 54, those reserves don’t become replenished like they used to.

Every once in a while my mind just overwhelms the rest of me. Last night it did just that. I didn’t even seriously try and settle down.

In a perfect world, we would eat when we’re hungry, go to the bathroom when we needed to, sleep when we’re tired and so on. I tried to sleep last night because I knew I’d be up at 5:30 and teaching four, nearly two-hour classes. That’s a lot of talking, which I can do, and which, at this point, I did.

Normally, I wouldn’t have cared about sleeping or not. I’m a firm believer in the idea that I’ll sleep when I sleep. If I am not sleeping after being in bed for a bit, I’m up and doing something else. Lying there, tossing and turning, is not my idea of increasing the probability that sleep will come.

But it was just annoying last night because my energy seemed to detach from my intent (or maybe not) and just start thrashing every which way. That started even more energy going into examining the thrashing.

I talked with a woman last night on the phone. We had a good conversation, a real good conversation.

I should be happy, right? I’ve been intending to meet someone I liked and who liked me.

The silly part is, we’re a matter of hours into it (it–there’s no “it”) and I’m already dredging up all of the reasons that this might be a problem.

I’m really ahead of the curve on this one. Normally I wouldn’t get there for a few months.

I think my intensity about wanting a woman has driven up the emotional stakes. Plus, the nature of the conversation was very forthright, it is as though any dancing will come later if it comes at all. For now it is strictly drilling right in to see what potential synchronicity might be created (we both agreed that “discovered” might not be the right word).

In the midst of it, I found myself checking to see if she was giving me what she thought I wanted. This is a button for me. And, despite a conversation that was not very old, we addressed it. That’s pretty much stampeding over the introductory part of the program and boring right into the heart of motivations.

Was it easier when one just did a wheel stand to try and attract a girl?

No, but geez, this is really accelerated. My mind just had some trouble trying to apprehend it all. Which I didn’t get either; why spend the energy on something before its time?

Dancing with prediction and control. There’s another Indian name there somewhere.

Well, tired or not, I’m going to see her this evening. I suppose I’ll either sleep real well tonight or not–there won’t be much middle ground.

I asked for it, and now, whether the door stays open or goes shut, I’ll be faced with staying intently focused on allowing what I want to actually happen.

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