I actually slept through the night and woke up feeling pretty rested and positive. The feeling held through the day, though it was a busy one and not without its ups and downs. In fact, for no apparent reason that I can tell, other than creating some sort of fantasy, I feel that something good is around the corner. I don’t know which corner or how big that corner is, but it feels like my foolishness with women and with me is about to change. And it seems like there are good things floating around out there somewhere, as well as a bit more peace about it all.
Maybe I just got too much rest.
Actually I’m not going to fight the feeling. I like it, it feels good, why shouldn’t I let it be? It certainly isn’t hurting anything at the moment and I’ll watch out to make sure that I continue to go to work and don’t wind up staying at home blissfully waiting for my ship to arrive. But, after putting in the necessary work, a big part of getting what one wants is recognizing it and letting it happen, with emphasis mostly on the latter part.
This is a continuation of the feeling a few weeks back that I don’t have anything to do. Giving up trying to correct everything around me has resulted in a serious withdrawal, but it has also given me a lot of energy that I didn’t used to have, and I have a lot of energy to begin with. I can use that additional energy to be free and to celebrate that I don’t have anyone else’s problems to club me over the head. This doesn’t mean that I’m shy about responsibility, but I am henceforth shy about trying to help people be what they don’t want to be, whatever their claims.
And to think that I stayed away from clinical psychology because I knew that I couldn’t handle people who were professional clientele. I laugh at myself (again–what’s a soul to do?).
I am feeling a bit exhausted now, my 12-hour day having recently ended. I’ll take the rest of the evening off, get up tomorrow and attend to business (lots of papers to grade) which will last into tomorrow evening (there’s a college function I’ve been asked to attend) and then up on Saturday for my once-a-month class, more papers, etc., etc. Sunday will be more work, Monday is work and meetings, more papers on Tuesday and so on and so on.
Somewhere around here, I’ll get some free time. It’s certainly difficult to find my new kind of woman whilst staying at home working. I look forward to being gone in August, camping and hopefully up to Canada to the Rockies, woman or no woman, money or no money. It feels like I’ve got about another year before things really will be broken open and a new pathway created. I certainly have a plan for about the next 12 months, and it will be a busy one. Then, I will see. The next year of experience will be important I think, at least in my world.
Somewhere out there (or in here) I feel my mom, and I feel my dad. It all feels kindly, something that I didn’t grow up with. My first Mother’s Day without a living mother, and Father’s day coming up in June, my 32nd year without a living father, and it all feels pretty peaceful.
This all seems like a gift, and like my feelings that something good is around the corner, I think I’ll avoid reasons why it’s crazy and just go with it–fewer obligations, lots of nurturing.
It’s a nice change.