Two more days of lecture before the start of finals. This has been a jammed packed four months and I am out of steam, but sort of holding up. I think I will not be talking much until the start of summer school the third week of June. There is not much rest however, as I need to prepare for yet another two classes on top of what I’m already teaching and revamp one course that is taught differently in each section. Perhaps I’ll be able to face that if I can just stop for a little bit.
I hope to get more than half of that handled before the end of summer school in early August. I am very much looking forward to going camping and perhaps to Canada during the rest of August. Something feels like it is changing, however, and I’m beginning to wonder if camping will happen. This has been the driest year that I can remember in the last 21 years and camping is just not the same when there is no campfire or when one cannot even use a camp stove. Since I travel to another area about 700 miles away, I’ll have to follow up and see what the conditions are. Right now, I cannot bring myself to make the call.
My second love called and left a message Sunday night, about something I don’t even remember at this point. I do remember finding it annoying and I called her to see what it was all about (what was that I was saying previously about not wanting to be around?). I had been giving our previous conversation some thought and had considered that we just do not communicate very well, even outside of an intimate relationship. We can talk about philosophy and energies, but it feels like some kind of invisible barrier between us, like we are talking over some kind of cheap speaker phone, even in the presence of each other. In any case, I viewed her message as another end run around what I consider important. That does not make it her fault, it just is.
When she answered the phone, I asked what the idea was and off it went into obscurity. I noticed the pattern in my being that is not comfortable with this. I told her so, explained that I thought it was my problem and that I just was not comfortable with our conversations. This was not new, but I had considered it my obligation to not let me interfere with others. I knew this was not helping me, I had to consider my imitations.
So, I told her that I was going to say good-bye. After a pause, she said that if I felt that way, then perhaps it was best. I sighed happily, hung up the phone, and felt relieved. There are places I just don’t have to go. Years ago, I had felt that I needed to go to those places in which I was uncomfortable, and I did. And I was successful, which I think created a reinforcement pattern that was not so functional in the long run. Now I was breaking that pattern, with all the speed and fluidity of a glacier, but I was doing it.
The next morning, she called me. I was not a happy camper.
I know that she does not like to look bad and it seemed to me that she was trying to remedy that perception. As it turned out, we really got into it. I do not recall her having this kind of backbone before. She stumbled and faltered along the way, misinterpreting, as usual, what I was up to. Why I explained anything was beyond me, but something told me that some part of her was actually seeking balance instead of seeking to polish her ego (or maybe I was just doing all of that supposing).
The upshot of the conversation was that we went after much of the last 14 years, the period of time that we’ve known each other. Her relationship with my first love and my former lady friend and all her male myrmidons arose as did my intimate relationships. It got loud, it was soft, it was never cruel, and, though it took awhile, it seemed to get honest. I think that was one of the best conversations in the entire time I’ve known her. For once it seemed to me that she was honest about her agenda, instead of lurking around behind some facade, unwilling to commit or to take responsibility. She felt that we still had things we could offer each other, that she did like talking to me and that she learned, and she thought that I did, even if we had trouble.
All right, I’m good with the honesty part, at least it seemed forthright. This doesn’t mean that I’m not suspicious, but I am willing to step back and take a look. I still do not trust her as I do not think she knows her own heart, and we could never be more than friends as we get on each other’s nerves. And I know that the things I am and do are not the same things that she is or that she does. We have very different meanings about the behaviors that each of us manifests. But I do know this, I’m not confused by it anymore in terms of an intimate relationship and I’m not looking for some kind of relationship straightener. That’s another glacial learning process, but it has finally rolled over my toes. It’s a good feeling to emerge from a cloud bank and into the open and unobstructed world after flying on unstable instruments (my own) for so long.
I like that. It takes however long it takes and there is no point in thrashing about it. It is here and I might as well allow it to emerge. There is no telling what it will be, but that is the nature of transformation sometimes.