Being married and being individual are not inherently mutually exclusive. Hoo-nōs
I know a couple who are getting married. They have not asked me for advice, though I’ve been invited to their wedding. But I’m going to hold forth regardless. If you are the one who has been visiting this site, you will have seen these things before, though you likely tried to forget. As for the couple, my musings will be new. It will be printed, with a beautiful picture appropriate for a wedding (who knows?). As such, they will at least have something to start a fire with—and thus I shall contribute to their warm feelings.
I acknowledge the following are limited and random musings from a divorced man—thus the exercise of caution is highly recommended. And it may be sad that I’m approaching 70 and this is the best I’ve got—but so far it is the best I’ve got. Starting with a couple quotes from others of good reputation may help.
There is no solution; seek it lovingly. Harlan Miller
“It is a poor sort of memory that only works backward,” the Queen remarked.
You are each individuals. It is best to not lose sight of that.
You have formed a third entity as a “we.” It is best to not lose sight of that.
Each of the items below applies to you as an individual as well as to the “we”:
Closed systems are subject to entropy unless they remain in a steady state or are reversing.
Open systems are subject to ecological upheaval, necessary for growth if properly embraced.
“Wombs” are necessary. So is birth.
Balance your closed and open systems appropriately. Make imbalance a gateway, not a lifestyle.
Be careful of clarity. Imprints are powerful, but not always appropriate.
Outliers are not representative samples. Be careful how each is applied.
“Us and them” can be fine, but “us” against the world is not.
Being with like-minds can be fine, but group-think can be a problem.
Interpretations filed as facts, come back as facts.
Interpretations can be used to tell truths, facts can be used to tell lies.
Suffering is optional. Struggling is not.
Self-sacrifice is not necessary. It is not a sacrifice when you obtain what you need or want and it doesn’t become a sacrifice if you don’t. The latter condition becomes a learning-curve, so learn.
Temperance is necessary. Know what you should not do.
Surrender (letting go) is very different from submission (buckling under): Sometimes the latter may be necessary to live on, the former is necessary to live well.
Superiority is reserved for improving one’s self, not for lording it over others.
Inferiority is reserved for noting areas to improve, not for feeling “less-than” or putting it on others.
Rights are inherited, not earned.
Entitlements are earned, not inherited.
Equality is reserved for rights you have inherited, not entitlements you have earned.
Equity is reserved for accommodations necessary to preserve and ensure rights you have inherited and entitlements you have earned, not about enabling those who honor neither.
Know the difference between realistic and delusional depression and anxiety. The former is bound to happen. The latter can create unnecessary baggage.
Know the difference between subjective and objective reality. It is easier to avoid madness, which is not the same as being crazy.
It is likely we are all crazy, but if you know the difference within and between realities, you can become sane about your craziness—and likely avoid madness.
Paradoxes are impossible to avoid, but can be traversed with aplomb when you know the nurturing silence.
Love offers everything and asks for nothing. Bargaining can be fun, but do not bargain love or you risk losing sight of it. Practice awareness without interpretation and you will know the nurturing silence and see that love runs through everything. That practice makes love easier to find again if you become crazy with wanting.
Thus spake the divorced one. Now, silence methinks.