eThoughts : March 1, 2010: Doing Much of Nothing

Apparently life is a lot more difficult when one is a newbie at this physical rehabilitation stuff. But newbie or not, and realizing that so many are doing so much more and with likely a lot less to work with, I’m still struggling with trying to heal and to continue on with my life. It seems like I need so much more rest than it used to. For instance, I began walking without a cane a few days ago and I was glad. But after less than 5,000 steps (I’ve got a pedometer), my back was hurting and I was so low on energy that I could only sit quietly. And my heart is not cooperating—acting up to the point that I had to go to the emergency room and now need follow-ups to determine what is afoot. Ugh.

One real positive is that I have noticed when I rest, things get better. The trouble is, resting as much as I need is nearly tantamount to just not working at all. And how is it, with an underground telephone line somehow amok, can I rest? I may not have to do the work or even pay for the repairs, but do you know how much work it is to keep calling and trying to get the problem fixed? How about the garage-door opener that suddenly quit working? Do you know how much energy is involved in scheduling someone to repair it—and I readily have someone who helps. This repair costs me for sure and I still have to hunt the parts and help trouble shoot. Heck, like I said last month, trying to do simple things is a hassle. How about getting out for some R and R? I went out recently to see a movie with a friend. We planned to go to dinner afterward, except I couldn’t do it—I was too worn out. This is not anywhere near normal for me—usually it’s everyone else that is worn out.

But this needing-rest state-of-affairs does remind me—nay, it forces me—to rethink/feel how I go about my life. The result? As I’ve said before, I think we just work and stay busy and don’t have the slightest notion how much the silliness, the pseudo-accomplishments, take their toll. What we do is largely making us think we are actually doing something. I suppose we are, but that spinning tire is not exactly forward momentum. Yes, we do some things that may make a difference, but it seems to me that we mostly avoid cleaning up the cognitive and emotional debris field in favor or arranging them.

Of course I’m not suggesting we go the way of felines, as in work four hours and rest for twenty. But I am saying that much of the work we think we need to do is a bit narcissistic. We’re not all that important. Yes, we do have our influence, but I wonder how much is really a positive.

In any case, I don’t suppose I’ll follow my own advice, though I do love doing nothing. After all, I’ve got responsibilities, as in having enough money when I’m older—assuming I get to older—that I don’t become a burden to others. So, needing the job I have, I have to keep at it, though I often wonder what I’m really doing. One thing about my job however, is that at least it has the promise of mattering. I guess I’ll have to learn to live with that.

Hmmm, on second thought, I’ll only live with it if I have to. And I don’t have to, even if I don’t have to take up some life-eating quest. There is still a lot of nothing to do, along with getting and staying healthy.