eThoughts : Boundaries and Independence Day

Part of the series Conversations™ (© 2006), a division of Book-In-A-Drawer Publications.™

Recently, around July 4th—Independence Day, which I thought was significant to the conversion—a friend of mine and I were discussing interpersonal boundaries and the degree of attention that people pay to them. We noted that there were those who were unaware of their own or others’ boundaries as well as those that were aware but not able to articulate those boundaries.

During the course of the discussion, I told about a recent experience standing in line. It was a long line in a popular ice cream place with only two servers on hand. Another friend and I gradually moved up until we were one back from being served. When it came time for the people in front of us to be served, a number of their friends, nowhere in sight up to this point, walked in and went to the front of the line. The second server waited on my friend and me, so we were not directly affected. But the other server began waiting on the interlopers. It seemed clear those in line were not happy, but no one, including us, spoke up.

While it seemed inappropriate for us to speak up as we were not directly affected, it seemed inappropriate for others to not say something. My guess was that no one, including the server, wanted any conflict. My thought in discussing this with both the friend that was with me and the one whom I discussed the incident with later, was that it often may be that avoiding conflict actually leads to conflict. In this particular situation, it could be that by letting the interlopers get away with it, society was reinforcing the line-cutters’ sense of entitlement.

It’s an attentional Cirque du Soleil act sometimes to figure out when a boundary encroachment is important or not, as well as figuring out how, if it is important, encroachments should be handled. But, as I said, I suspect that big problems would not become that way if we dealt with little problems to begin with. That is not to say that we have to micro-manage every bit of interpersonal quanta, but if we were not so afraid and resentful of conflict in the first place, and we learned to not have a number 10 reaction to a number 2 infraction, we just might alleviate a lot of the stress build-up, which might lead to being more considerate and peaceful.

As I said, this conversation and this event all occurred around Independence Day. In the United States, we have a system that promotes freedom and independence, but we may have become so entitled to the concept that the only boundaries that matter are our own. Independence Day may be a noble thing, but there may also be something far too narrow about the concept. Given the amount of interpersonal inconsideration as well as outright, deliberate encroachment, perhaps we need a peaceful tossing of the tea into the harbor and a revolution that doesn’t shed blood, but stupid beliefs. Free from the energy it takes to maintain those idiotic beliefs, perhaps we can marshal enough energy to expand our comfort zone in dealing with conflicts while they’re small, before they become big—both to be benevolent boundary crossers and to be less resentful if we’re the ones whose boundaries are being crossed.